Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
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People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.