Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
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at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.