[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
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i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.