#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
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Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
they should invent a rest for the wicked
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Not recommended for beginners.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.