A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
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Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Ovenable?
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
no
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”