Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
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Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.