Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
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When I retire I鈥檓 going to run from office.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
I鈥檓 swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I wouldn鈥檛 usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 馃槈
her: are those empty
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
If it鈥檚 the thought that matters, I had a shower today 馃槈
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car鈥檚 extended warranty after you figure out why I鈥檓 afraid of pralines.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don鈥檛 have kids
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Guys: I鈥檓 educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
tinder profile where the fish is holding me