none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
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The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
i think both sides are to blame here
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I love the honesty
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.