WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
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You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.