The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
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Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.