judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
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Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”