Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
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“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
the council will decide your fate
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?