[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
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Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.