Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
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Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.