I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
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My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*