Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
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If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY