Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
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I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*