I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
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[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?