*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
You Might Also Like
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Just as the prophecy foretold
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that