Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
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“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings