Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
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[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past