Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
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Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up