Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
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Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.