Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
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Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.