Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
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5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.