[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
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It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
I saw this ending much differently.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄