i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
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I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”