Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
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Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us