My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
You Might Also Like
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
#polloftheday
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem