person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
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Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
got so much cardio in today
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I told my vodka about you.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
My wedding will be open casket.