Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
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please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Finally!
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
This probably isn’t good
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.