This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
You Might Also Like
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Me irl
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.