I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
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“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
called in thicc to work this morning
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*