friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
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do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant