My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training