girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
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Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
[montage of me giving-up]
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.