i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
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Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.