Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
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my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Great Canadian literature.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.