DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
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Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.