Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
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There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.