If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
You Might Also Like
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Living the best life.. 😊
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.