I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
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College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
✌🏽
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
tourist season
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.