It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
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Put my back out twerking in the library again
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.