Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
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Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”