Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
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California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
one of
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy