roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
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Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father