You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
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[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you