My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
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FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Time for evil
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
You better watch out
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down