Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
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“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?