Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
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Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office